i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
