Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
