Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize