hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
