Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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