Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
