Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
