I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
