Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
