I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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