The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
