I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
