I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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