im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize