I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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