the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
