My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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