saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize