I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
