also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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