look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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