I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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