life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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