She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize