Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
