we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
