somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
