I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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