He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
