I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
