I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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