I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
