I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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