she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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