If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i permit you to call me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
