i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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