I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she peed on how many people?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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