i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
