dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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