Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
