ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize