Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
