I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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