if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
