Banned from zoo.
Again?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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