She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
