So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize