dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Send help, water and tortillas.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
