Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
