I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
