so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
