Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
