My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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