I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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