your parents love me but you hate me
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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