I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We talked him into tasing himself.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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