Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
