he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
