im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
