It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
