There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
