Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
