I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
