I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
