My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
