But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
