he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
